Rusty Armor

I keep a journal....very different from a diary, by the way. I don't normally show or read my journal to anyone. It's one of those few things I am very private about. But I thought I would share my latest entry that I wrote on Wednesday night after coming home from the Bible study and prayer meeting, in yet another attempt to stay "wide open like a lake".

"The weather here in Nashville is very hot, but inside I feel as cold as stone. I went to a Bible study in an apartment complex in a rough part of Nashville last night and saw hurting, broken people. I listened to their tragic stories of death, addictions, and hard pasts and was somehow unmoved...somehow hardened....and quite honestly, just didn't care. I am ashamed of this and I walked away asking myself, "why am I not hurting for these people? Why am I not moved to tears and prayer by their burdens?" And I immediately knew the answer. Perhaps because I have been so absorbed in myself, my life, my petty problems, that I have been to selfish to look past myself and see the needs of others. Perhaps because my "armor" lies in a rusty pile in the corner of the room, untouched and unworn, for some time. No there is no "perhaps" about it. Those are definite reasons.
And as those broken, hurting people (who I am not so different from) opened themselves up to me and my church family, little did they know how they were being used by the Lord to convict me of my lack of openness, of my lack of burden, of my lack of genuineness.
I know that Satan would have me continue to be selfish and only care about my problems. He would have me continue being the hypocrite and pretending to have it all together. But through the power of Christ in me, I will fight to die to self each day. And seek to live for the glory of Jesus Christ."